Life As I Know ItYesterday I was in the condo when I heard the sound of a huge crash outside. I went to see what had happened. A tree obscured my view but I could hear a woman crying fairly hysterically and saying she was so sorry. From the sound of how hysterical she was I feared something very bad had happened. As I rushed down to see if I could help I feared finding someone gravely injured or dead.
When I got downstairs I was very relieve to find no such scene. I heard her say she was on the way to a job interview and had been looking at some papers for a second while driving. That second was all it had taken for her to rear end a neighbor's car parked on the side of the street. The neighbor had heard and come to investigate and the driver had been apologizing frantically to the neighbor. I had also, from my balcony, heard the driver call her grandmother, crying, and saying she had been in an accident. When I got there, another couple from a few condos down was helping the shaken woman to sit down on the patio of the neighbor whose car now had its rear end completely smashed in. The driver had a bloody lip, had hit her head and was naturally feeling some soreness in the neck and back but otherwise appeared, at least outwardly, to not have any major injuries.
As no one had had a chance to call 911 yet, I did that and explained the situation. As they gave the poor girl a bag of frozen vegetables to put on her lip, she just sat crying, hysterically upset. My instinct was that I wanted to take control of this situation. I wanted to take her hand and look her in the eye, find out her name and tell her that everything was going to be O.K. They were just cars and the important thing was that she was alive and no one had been severely injured. I wanted to comfort this poor, shaken, traumatized person who also felt so foolish at her own mistake which led to this accident. I felt that I had the power. I felt like I am very good at keeping my head in situations like these and making people feel more at ease. I wanted to do all this...but I didn't. I don't know why. Maybe I felt it wasn't my place. I don't really know. I look back and I really regret that I didn't follow my instincts. I think I could have made a difference.
The police and EMS got there and began to tend to her. I told the officer that I had called 911 and asked if there was anything else needed from me. He said there wasn't so I decided to vacate the premises. I hope I never have to face a situation like this again but if I do, I will follow my instincts next time. I hope that wherever she is, that she's O.K. and has realized how lucky she really is. Cars can be fixed or replaced. So please, friends, remember that it only takes a second of taking your eyes off the road to possibly lead to a some very bad things. We all do it. Fiddle with the radio or iPod, look at a text message, glance at a piece of paper. I know this had made me more aware of my driving habits. I hope it will do the same for you.
I learned recently that my friend, Darrin, reads this blog though he has never commented. Therefore inspired by knowing that there are actually at least a few people still reading here I am inspired to update!
My silence is not only due to being a sucktastic and neglectful blogger but also because I've been fairly busy. i'm currently involved in more films than I can keep track of even with my nifty new iPhone and constant email and calendar access!
I am in the midst of a 10 day shoot for a small feature I'm starring in after which I immediately start another feature. There are also several shorts I'm in, several more shorts and features in the pipeline for other people and that whole ever growing stack of shorts (and features) that Larry and I have written that we want to get into production.
In other exciting news, episode 1 of Sal Monella is in in the finals tonight of the Austin Film Festival's "Funniest Filmmaker in Austin" contest. Then there's also the rest of my non-film related life to live too.
Life in general is kind of a roller coaster of highs and lows but overall I think my account ends up in the positive. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...
When I was a kid, I had the album "Chipmunk Punk". This was a 1980 album of Alvin and the Chipmunks doing 9 songs that were not really in any way, punk, but were pretty cool and influential to me. This album actually introduced me to a lot of songs that I would later come to really love. At the time, I had never heard of "The Knack" and I don't think I had heard of most of the other songs on the album either. I just knew I liked the Chipmunks as we had a cool clear red album of theirs from 1969.
Recently I was thinking back on this and realized just what a weird album this was. The track listing was:
Side A
Now the first thing I noticed is that one third of the songs are from The Knack. Now don't get me wrong, I love The Knack's debut album "Get The Knack" which spawned all three of these songs, but to have three of nine songs by The Knack, who I had never even heard of at that time, seems an odd choice. Were the producers friends with The Knack? Did they get a hellaciously good deal on song rights?
Secondly, though I remember very specific changes they made to the lyrics to make them more kid friendly, those three songs from The Knack are racy! They're all about trying to get laid. Sure they changed "Til she's sitting on your face" to "Til she's sitting in your place" but a few lyrical changes do not change the overall subject of the song.
I don't really remember realizing at the time what these songs were about, but again in hindsight, WHOA! How did this album get made?
"You thought you heard her saying 'Good Girls don't'...but she's been telling you 'Good girls don't but I do."
"Frustrated" is all about blue balls, basically. Some girl not putting out.
"My Sharona", all about lusting after this young teenage girl.
Again, I ask, HOW DID THIS ALBUM GET MADE AND RELEASED? All I know is I'm glad it did, because I played the hell out of it and was introduced to some awesome music. I own every one of those songs on CD by the original artists. Except for "How Do I Make You". I can't remember how that one goes but I remember I liked the Chipmunk's version of it. Somehow I listened to this album repeatedly without ever really realizing how inappropriate some of the songs probably were for a nine year old boy.
Well, not exactly. We've been discussing getting a new bed for some time. It seems like a rarity that either one of us gets a decent nights sleep without feeling achy, crunchy or like we need to see a chiropractor. This is a bummer to us because about 2 years ago we spent a good amount getting what was supposed to be one of the best mattresses at this particular shop. I was not looking forward to trying to figure out what mattress to try next. You just never really know until you've slept on it for a while so "trying it out" in the shop is pretty much useless.
Cut to today. After getting an insanely great amount of clothes for both of us at Goodwill for only $100, we headed to Costco because I wanted to look for this little portable AC unit a friend had told me about to use in the room we call "The Cave" where my computer and home studio resides. For some stupid reason the AC vent going to this room is about half the size of all the others so it gets warmer than the rest of the house.
As soon as we walked in they had these queen size memory foam mattresses for only $600. Now anyone who had ever looked at a memory foam mattress will know that this is a pretty incredible price. We had always wanted to try one but had never seen them for less than a metric ton of money. We asked about their return policy and Costco has an awesome policy of "if you don't like it, we'll take it back. Period. Doesn't matter how long it's been. No time limit." I strongly felt that this was the bed we needed to get.
So we didn't find the AC unit I was looking for (my friend, Greg, is going to pick one up for me from Sam's Club where he saw it), but we ended up with a memory foam mattress for about the same price we paid for our old one! And three tubs of sabra hummus which is the best hummus ever. It is THE reason we got a Costco card.
On other fronts, I've been hella busy with acting gigs, some Production Assistant work, our own short films, gearing up for our first feature, and many other things. Life is generally good and I hope to stop being such a crappy and infrequent blogger. I film for about a week on an independent feature this week, I'm the lead in another indie feature shooting next month and have a part in a third indie feature in July.
Grand Theft Auto IV has also sucked up a huge part of my life. It's awesome and addicting. Rock Band still rocks We had the best Rock Band session ever Saturday night at Greg's home theater. Though he has it on Ps3, we brought our Xbox because, of all our friends, we by far have the most songs since we have bought almost all the downloadable content. We played for about 6 hours getting our band all the way to the Hall of Fame gig, but by that time we were all tired so our attempt at the brutal 8 song setlist to get into the Hall of Fame will have to wait until next time.
That's about all my brain has to spit out at the moment and even all that is the highly condensed summary. Ya'll come back now! Ya hear?
Sleeping isn't something that I really do well any more. One of the biggest side effects from this that I've noticed is that when I'm hanging out with Jess, that's when I feel comfortable and happy and content (well, in some ways) and thus when sleepiness really sets in. Especially if I'm lounging around her bed talking or lying around on the couch. It doesn't make me very good company. So I can't sleep normally but then it all comes crashing down on me when I want to be awake and enjoying her company. How annoying!
Roommates who have really loud sex. All the time. I really don't want to disrupt our otherwise great living situation but I'm about to my breaking point. It's just gone beyond comical into ludicrous, annoying, overbearing and inconsiderate.
I know my blog has been completely Rock Band-centric lately but it's what's going on!
You haven't truly experienced Rock Band until you've played with Jess singing "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys. Awesome.
Several years ago I started basically eating healthy (following the South Beach plan) and dropped about 60lbs. I changed my lifestyle and eating habits, got in decent shape and have stayed there ever since. I would usually allow myself a "free for all" Friday where I could eat whatever I wanted but tied to stay healthy the rest of the week. Occasionally I would slip and start eating a little more crap, especially when I'm working on a film. Eating healthy on set is rough because you get bored and there's always snacks around and they're usually junk food.
If I found myself straying a little too far I would usually go extra strict for a week or two to reset my scales. Lately with all the emotional turmoil and depression, I feel like a drug addict who has fallen off the wagon. I haven't really gained much (if any) weight back but I know I have to reel it in. I'm surviving on frozen pizzas, ice cream, and eating out. I still try be more healthy when I can, (such as choosing Schlotzky's or Zen when eating out) but I've been pretty off the deep end. It's just hard to care about eating healthy when there are more more important things wrong with your life but somehow I have to find that willpower again before I really start doing some damage.
It was 5 years ago today that Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play...
Wait no. It was 5 years ago today that I stood dressed in velvety tights with see-through lace up the sides, bleached blond hair, thigh high leather boots, leather gauntlets, a cloak and a swept hilt rapier and pledged my eternal love and commitment to one of the most beautiful women on the planet, Jessica Sara Downs who wore a maroon dress and a garland in her hair. We were married at the Texas Renaissance Festival. We had many friends and family from England there, as well as plenty of Americans. Her family, her ex-boyfriend as her "mUrt of Honor", my band, one of my best friends since elementary school as my Best Man, people from the internet posting board where we met including our friend Karma who later passed away leaving our wedding day as the only time we ever actually met her in person. It was one of, if not the most amazing day of my life.
Obviously, at the moment it's a bit of a bittersweet day. I can only hope with all my heart and soul that 5 years from now I'll be celebrating my 10th anniversary under very different circumstances. I love you, Jess. I'm sorry.
I shall now take this moment to give Jess the chance to stop reading if she so wishes. What follows is nothing negative or bad but I think that she doesn't really like to hear, discuss or deal with anything related to our relationship any more so I wanted to give her fair warning that what follows is about us and my feelings about us.
Continue reading "Remember, remember the 9th of November"Last night Iskra texted me to tell me that a bunch of people from the crew of a movie she's working on were going out to a bar for a friend's birthday. Since I knew this friend and many of the crew, I considered meeting them. At first I didn't want to go. It's hard for me to overcome my inertia and besides, I'm not big on bars, especially since I suspected this little hole in the wall would be one of the places that ignores the smoking band and let's people smoke anyway. I decided to drop by for just a little while and say hi. I was right about the smoking but luckily it wasn't too bad in there. One of the people on the crew is a guy named Jon who worked one the short films I'd just finished. We'd hit it off pretty well on the short film and both Larry and I thought he was a cool guy.
As soon as I walked in, he was the first one I saw and we immediately started talking. I don't think we stopped for the next few hours. He's also a musician so we talked at length and in depth about all things musical. From there things got deeper and more personal and by then of the night I found myself kind of surprised at the level of conversation I'd just had with someone that I didn't know all that well. It was one of those cool genuine moments of connection that so rarely come along in life. It was a welcome respite. I think we be kindred spirits.
One of the worst side effects of my current life turmoil is that I feel almost completely unable to function. I seem to have absolutely no capacity for productivity. My attention span is non-existent. I've taken to sleeping in the living room on the couch because I need the TV on all night to keep my brain distracted enough to allow me to get even a few hours of sleep a night. This is, needless to say, not good for many reasons including the fact that I have various projects I need to get on with and I just can't find the will or energy to do so. I seem to exist in a state of stasis in a grey and black void.
This is where I really love acting. Acting comes so easily to me and really makes me happy. I just walk on set, do my thing and then I'm done. I don't have to worry about any of the preparations, logistics, etc., that come with my own projects. Sure I have to learn my lines and find my character and all that but comparatively, it seems so much easier. It's the one thing that still works even in my current state of utter uselessness. Now if I could just get huge gobs of money to act in other people's projects I'd be all set! Well at least more set than I am currently.
I have always been anti-smoking. My mom has smoked for pretty much my entire life and I always hated it. Hated the smell. Hated that I seem to be extra sensitive to smoke. The slightest whiff, even from quite some distance can choke me up. For example, tonight, several people were smoking on the balcony with the door open and I had to close my bedroom door because I could smell it. Of course there's also the extreme amount of money smokers spend and the whole issue of supporting the evil tobacco companies and plenty of other rational arguments that could be made even if you're one of the people who believes that there is no scientific evidence that smoking is linked to health problems, but that's a whole other subject and I don't want to start that debate here. My issue is more personal.
The part I don't understand is my own vehement reaction to it. With everything going on with Jess, I think one of things that hurts the most is that she has started smoking again. She smoked before I knew her but had quit before we met. The fact that it even registers on my radar sounds ridiculous even to me. Why do I care so much? Why is it such a big deal? Why is it so important to me that my loved ones not smoke? I feel the same sense of hurt and distance when Larry occasionally smokes too. Now don't get me wrong, I know that no one is doing it to be hurtful or anything. I just don't understand why it means so much to me. The first time I saw jess light up on our balcony, let's just say my reaction was completely and irrationally emotional. Maybe because of our separation my subconscious read more into it like because she knows how much it means to me maybe I stupidly saw it as a big final "fuck you" which, of course, I know it isn't. I'm sure we all know the stupid things we can think when we're emotional.
But the fact is is that is a big deal to me and I don't know why. I don't think it's a judgmental thing, but admittedly I could be wrong. I don't think any less of her for it and I don't think I'm better than people who smoke. I really do think it's more of a connection thing. It makes me feel distant and disconnected and I do legitimately worry about the health of the people I love and supporting the evil empires of tobacco (which ironically is a trait directly instilled in me by Jess). To me it feels like it comes from a place of caring and concern and not a confrontational or judgmental place. I value my connections with people and anything that interfers with those connections bothers me.
I just don't understand why I feel the way I do. I don't want it to interfere with my connection. Why can't I just not care about it? When Larry smokes, I feel down. When Jess smokes it's of a whole other order of magnitude. It feels like it almost hurts as much as our separation which should be ludicrous! I'm sure there must be some deep subconscious motivation at work here. I just can't figure out what it is. I'm really trying to be better about this and at least not be judgmental or sanctimonious about my feelings. I'd love to find the root of this and find a way to overcome it.
When I'm at my lowest points (such as now) and have all these pessimistic negative feelings, I don't know what to do with them. I decided that I don't feel comfortable expressing them here for various reasons, I can't talk to Jess about them, and talking to anyone else doesn't seem to really help all that much. This makes being caught between the Scylla and Charybdis seem like an appealing vacation idea.
So I guess I feel the need to elaborate now that I've addressed the situation. Maybe it's because I just need an outlet, maybe it's because I know I'm nosey and always like to know everybody else's business, maybe it's because I know people who care might want to know more about what's going on but might feel hesitant to sake for painful details. Maybe I just feel the need for confession and atonement. Maybe it's some combination of all these things and more.
For quite a while there had been an undercurrent of tension and unhappiness in my marriage. It was mostly a good happy marriage but there were recurring problems and cracks which went un-dealt with. When I filmed "Deadly Obsession" I went through a very intense metamorphosis. I was living a small microcosm of the dream I'd always chased, I was living away from home for the better part of a month and somehow I just had something snap and put me into one of the most intense and confusing times of my life. I really for the first time admitted to myself the problems in my marriage and suddenly just felt very solitary and constrained by it. I thought that we may just not be compatible.
There were other factors that I'll keep between Jess and I that made things even more confusing. I didn't know what was real and what was illusion in my mind. How did I really feel? What was the truth and what was just a phase? Jess and I talked completely openly and honestly about everything. She wanted to work things out. I didn't know what I wanted. I thought there might just have been some fundamental incompatibilities that couldn't be overcome. Things just seemed to get worse and more painful until eventually we decided that we should try splitting up and see how that worked. I wasn't sure I wanted my marriage to end but I had put Jess through hell and didn't want to keep her living in limbo while I tried to figure out what I wanted and what my real feelings were.
When we moved into separate rooms, I went into a very hermetic life. I spent most of my time alone, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just spent weeks alone with my feelings trying to sort it all out. Without the tension of being in a relationship, Jess and I got along better than we had in a long time. At first, I thought this probably meant we were better friends than spouses. However as time went by I found the fog lifting. I found myself rediscovering why I loved her and why I married her and why I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I wanted to tell her that I was really thinking I wanted to work it out but some other circumstances had arisen that made me feel I couldn't tell her.
Last weekend it all blew up with an extremely emotional episode on my part. We talked it out and got past that moment and I told her how I felt. Much to my shock and dismay, she said that she just couldn't do it. Though it had only been maybe a month since we split up, something had just snapped in her and as far as she was concerned it was final. It was over. The end. This was a shock to me because all along we had both said that this was basically a trial separation and that we weren't permanently closing any doors, but at some point that had changed for her and I hadn't known.
Now please know, I am begrudging her, just explaining. I was hurt, I was angry and I was shocked. It had been less than a month since we split up but she seemed to have gotten over it at record speed and moved on much, much further than I'd expected in such a short time but I understood and still understand. I hurt her, probably worse than she's ever been hurt (just through my emotional turmoil, I never cheated on her or abused her or anything like that). We've had many talks since then and as always we remain friends who talk more openly and honestly than anyone I've ever known. I missed my opening. When she wanted to work things out, I wasn't ready and now that I want to, she has no interest. I can't blame her after what I put her through.
The irony is that I don't wish this separation had never happened because we've both grown and learned some very important things about ourselves and each other. there is also great irony in that I think we are more compatible now than ever and could actually be happier than we probably ever were before. This is the very definition of Instant Karma. Part of me just has to smile through the pain because I know I brought all this on myself. Karma is making me pay for the pain I caused. Our roles are reversed now. Back when she was the one fighting so hard to keep me, she told me that we'd only just really admitted our problems and started talking frankly about them, that we hadn't even really tried to work it out yet and at the time I told her that I just didn't know if it could be worked out. She was right.
I told her last night that though she says she can't ever see us getting back together, I just can't go down without a fight. Our marriage means too much to me. I always said that I would only get married once and if I made that promise to someone, I was going to mean it. When I thought that maybe splitting up was the right thing to do, it felt like the biggest failure of my life. I had made a promise I couldn't keep and it killed me. At least now I know that I was right to begin with. She is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. It killed me knowing the pain I was causing her. I actually wished that the tables were reversed because I thought that I would rather be on the receiving end of the pain than to deal with the pain of hurting her. Be careful what you wish for. Now, my pain is exponential because not only am I feeling the same pain she went through, but since I now fully understand that, my pain for having caused her pain is now retroactively multiplied. Maybe I've done irrevocable damage but I must go with my heart and fight for what I believe in no matter how futile and hopeless that fight may be. I re-discovered the woman I fell in love with and I refuse to just lay down and let my marriage die a peaceful death. I may not ever be able to win back her love and trust but it would be a far bigger regret to me if I didn't at least try, even if she tells me that's impossible.
So there you go. It appears I've permanently messed up my entire life.
Here's the song I wrote for her when we started dating:
Continue reading "I've never been good at giving up"I've avoided making this entry for a long time. Why I'm not sure. I guess for one I didn't really want to talk about it. Also I didn't really know if it was just a temporary thing or not.
Jess and I are separated. Have been for a few weeks now. We'd talked long and hard about it before coming to this resolution. There was no one thing, no big blow up, no cheating, no drama, no single event that brought this on. I do however think that while it was mutual, it's mostly me who broke it. I don't like it, I'm not happy about it. I think the separation has had the opposite effect on each of us. It's pushed me more toward wanting to work things out and pushed her further toward thinking that life apart is the way to go. She's moved on, written "The End" and closed the book. I think we've both moved 180 degrees and completely swapped places. At least I can't help but laugh at the karmic irony.
That is all. Just thought I should let anyone know who didn't already. Thank you all in advance for the sentiments but I don't need words of comfort, as there is none to be had. If anyone still reads this blog anyway, I know you all care. Thank you.