MAJOR WOODY calls his men to attention MAJOR WOODY Dick, Wang, Peter, Johnson! Form up! Peter and Johnson line up. MAJOR WOODY Johnson! JOHNSON Yes, Major Woody, sir! Johnson is suppressing a laugh MAJOR WOODY What the hell is so funny, Johnson? JOHNSON It's just our names sir! MAJOR WOODY What do you find so amusing about our names? JOHNSON They just seem to have a common theme, sir! MAJOR WOODY That's right! They are names of good strong virile American soldiers! JOHNSON Yes sir! Sorry sir! MAJOR WOODY Peter! PETER Yes sir! MAJOR WOODY Where are Dick and Wang? PETER They lost their unit after it was inserted behind enemy lines, sir. Johnson gives a glance at Peter and manages to keep fromlaughing.
2. MAJOR WOODY Well listen up! O'Toole has been captured and taken to an enemy penal colony. Johnsons tries his best not to laugh. MAJOR WOODY What is so funny about O'Toole falling into the enemy's hands? JOHNSON Was he shot down by heat seeking moisture missiles, sir? MAJOR WOODY (gravely) How do you know about heat seeking moisture missiles? Only the head officers are privileged to information that sensitive! JOHNSON Oh come on! Now you're just messing with me! MAJOR WOODY Peter! Do you find anything stimulating about Operation Purple Headed Warrior? PETER No sir! It is of utmost importance that we get our man back in the fold! johnson laughs openly now. JOHNSON Did you two plan this? MAJOR WOODY Stand erect soldier! Cock your head back! look into my good eye! you better straighten up or you are going down! PETER Zip it, Johnson! Do you want to be prematurely ejected from the army?
3. MAJOR WOODY You've got a lot of spunk, Johnson, but you better watch your mouth and swallow your pride. We've got a job to do, and if you don't rise to the occasion, I will not hesitate to give you the shaft! PETER Come on, Johnson, use your head.This is our chance to prove our manhood. If we pull this off, the General will know we've really got balls. MAJOR WOODY That's right. And I don't care how hairy things get, the General isn't going to stroke your ego. PETER Don't blow this for me, Johnson. Ever since I entered the rear guard, all I've wanted is to serve under General One-Eyed-Trouser- Snake JOHNSON Oh, come on! That's ridiculous! General One-Eyed-Trouser-Snake? MAJOR WOODY That's it! Private Parts! Take this ding-a-ling to the latrine! Maybe after a few hours on his knees polishing the head, he won't be so quick to shoot off his mouth! Johnson is dragged off by Peter. JOHNSON Did you hear that? Listen to yourselves! Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick! Major woody stands for a moment before a look of suddenrealization comes over him. MAJOR WOODY Ohh, I get it.
Sophocles
Screenplay Software 2006
www.sophocles.net