EXT - DAY - PARKING LOT A humvee pulls up practically running down the camera. Outsteps ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER in sunglasses and a leatherjacket with a giant cigar. Cue the title and jingle: "Biggeris better and more is more at Arnold Scwarzenegger's GeneralStore!" INT - DAY - GENERAL STORE Arnold is behind a counter as CUSTOMER 1 enters the store. ARNOLD Welcome to Arnold's General Store. Serving your general needs since last Thursday. How is it that I can be helping you. CUSTOMER 1 Hey I was wondering if you had a little angel figurine. You know, just a typical little angel with wings and halo. ARNOLD You are being far too specific. CUSTOMER 1 (not quite understanding) I'm sorry? ARNOLD This is a general store. You are being far too specific. If you go to aisle 27B over there, you will find knick-knacks on the right and tchotchkies on the left. CUSTOMER 1 (a bit bewildered) Uh, thanks. I'll go take a look. Customer 1 wanders off and CUSTOMER 2 enters. ARNOLD Welcome to Arnold's General Store, how is it that you can be on the receiving end of my help? CUSTOMER 2 Hey I teach down at the community college and we're about to administer a standardized test, so I need some #2 pencils to pass out to the students.
2. ARNOLD Didn't you read the sign? Customer 2 looks around trying to figure out which signArnold means. CUSTOMER 2 Which sign? ARNOLD The one that says "General Store". #2 pencils are very specific. He pulls a bucket from behind the counter. ARNOLD We have a bucket of writing utinsels. You give me 25 cents and I grab one writing utinsel at random from the bucket. CUSTOMER 2 Well are there any #2 pencils in the bucket? ARNOLD You never know. That is part of the mystery, allure and danger of the utinsel bucket. You could get a #2 pencil, or a sharpie, or a felt-tip pen, or a quill, or a highlighter, or perhaps a crayon in any of the colors of the rainbow. CUSTOMER 2 Right. I think I'll just go to the office supply store. Thanks. Customer 2 begins to exit and Arnold addresses him as hewalks away. ARNOLD I understand. You are not the first to quiver in fear at the uncertainty of the utinsel bucket. CUSTOMER 3 approaches the counter. ARNOLD How is it that I can be resembling a helping type person to you. CUSTOMER 3 Wow, you guys have everything here.
3. ARNOLD Generally. CUSTOMER 3 Oh! Do you have any Primo Taglio Honey Baked Ham? ARNOLD We have meat. Honey baked ham is too specific. Primo Taglio Honey baked ham is so too specific that it almost loops all the way back around and becomes general again, but unfortunately, it can not achieve escape velocity and therefore remains on this side at the extreme maximum of being too specific. CUSTOMER 3 Can I at at least get it sliced deli thin, or is that too specific? ARNOLD Get to the chopper! (pause) He'll chop your meat any way you like. Customer 3 exits. Customer 4 comes to the counter. ARNOLD How is it that I can make sure you are receiving the amount of help you need over there by me being an assisting persona to you over here. CUSTOMER 4 You got any gum? There is a pause while Arnold analyzes this question. ARNOLD You are being too spe...wait, you mean like Juicy Fruit? CUSTOMER 4 Whatever. Just some gum. ARNOLD You're not looking for Hubba Bubba? Or perhaps Bazooka Joe.
4. CUSTOMER 4 No man, just gum. ARNOLD You don't care if it's Big Red, Bubblicious, Trident, or Cinnaburst CUSTOMER 4 As long as I can chew it, I'm cool. ARNOLD You do not have a hankering for some Doublemint, or perhaps some Wrigley's Spearmint or Carefree sugarless, maybe some Yike's Stripes, a pouch of Big League Chew, Extra, Orbit, Dentyne, Nicorette or maybe a nice pack of Chiclets. Customer 4 is unfazed and just wants his answer. CUSTOMER 4 Chewing gum. Arnold is defeated. ARNOLD Fine. It's over there. Aisle 127, Section j, bin 5. CUSTOMER 4 Wow, that's really specific. Dejected, Arnold brings back up the Utensil Bucket. He covershis eyes, and pulls out a random utensil, trying to guesswhat it is. ARNOLD Sharpie. He looks and sees that it's a #2 pencil. ARNOLD Damn it. Pencil.
Sophocles
Screenplay Software 2006
www.sophocles.net