There was a time when I pretty much lived completely openly online. Good, bad and ugly, I put it all out there for anyone who cared to see. Over the years, I’ve changed and started trying to pretty much keep it all positive. I don’t really care to expose everything to the world at large any more (and besides, no one wants to hear a bunch of “woe is me, feel my pain” BS) but for some reason I just felt somehow deceptive or something sort of keeping this all to myself.

Now here’s the thing: my life is 95% amazing and awesome. But then there’s the 5%. A toxic 5% that somehow seems to permeate, infect and somehow seem to counteract the other 95%. It casts a grey funk that sits just below the surface, like when you have a dull throbbing headache so subtle that you’re not even sure if you have a headache but yet it still saps you.

Obviously, some days are better, some worse, but I feel stuck, like the weight of my past has finally become too heavy and I can’t get out from under it. I know I will and it’s kind of weird because there is still plenty of happiness present within me. I’m not some depressed wreck or anything. Just that constant dull throbbing, dulling everything else. A part of me that seems broken and damaged. I’ve loved so deeply that I’ve left pieces of myself behind each time and now there’s not enough left to want to try again.

Now I’m no fool. I know myself. Eternal, hopeless romantic. I know that the day will come when I will meet someone who makes me go all Googly eyed and there will be full on double rainbows, all the way and all that. But for the moment, I’m so sick of this weight. Of the inability to escape my past, enjoy the present and look to the future.

So in short, if I’ve been less than the greatest of friends lately, it’s not you, it’s me. To quote Billy Joel, “When I’m deep inside of me, don’t be too concerned. I won’t ask for nothing while I’m gone.”

I love you all and appreciate all my friends immensely, even if I can also be a misanthrope and a loner. I’m a complicated man and no one understands me but…uhh…wait, no, that’s “Shaft.” Ah well, works for me too.

I crave your flesh
The sustenance you give me
I don’t know which will be the first to kill me
The starvation or the passion in my veins
As every muscle strains to keep myself together
I don’t know if I’m sleeping or awake
Hoping to finally feel the fever break

You steal my breath when I don’t choose to give it
You give me life, but take my will to live it
Every contour of you burned into my brain
My scars spell your name
The density of our destiny is so great that time is slowed
Nothing escapes, it just implodes.

You’re my muse, you’re a supernova
You’re the most euphoric and addictive drug
You’re in my blood, can’t get enough
You’re my wish, you’re my wounded angel
You’re stalking every shadow in my mind
I feel you everywhere though my eyes are blind

You make me sweat and shake with lustful urges
Lost in you, the undercurrent surges
Abandoned jetsam set adrift and drowning in the sea of my desire
Yet somehow I still burn on a pyre
You comfort me and heal me
But still you stoke the embers in the pit
And now my burning body is the only warmth I get

You’re my muse, you’re a supernova
You’re the most euphoric and addictive drug
You’re in my blood, can’t get enough
You’re my want, you’re the voice inside me
That sings to me in whispers and in screams
Can’t tell the difference between nightmares and dreams

You’re my muse, you’re a supernova
You’re the most euphoric and addictive drug
You’re in my blood, can’t get enough
You’re my void, you’re so ravenous
You can’t fit all of my soul into your mouth
And what you can’t consume, you just spit out

My latest creation from the mad labs at Nosferatunes, “World’s Greatest Ex”.

SNEAK PREVIEW of the lyrics to my latest song:

When you look back on love, do you see bridges on fire
And littered with the bodies of those that you desired
Immolation, devastation and scorched earth where your heart once grew

Well that’s not how I roll, I like to keep it optimistic
To all those I’ve loved, you’ll never just be a statistic
You’ll always have the little piece of my soul that I left with you

Every word I ever said is completely true
And you know I said I’d always be here for you
You’ve got your laundry list of everything about me that you think sucks

The way you shot our love to pieces
All I can say is nice shooting, Tex
I may have been a disappointment
But I’m the worlds greatest ex

Well you can talk to me about your new lover
You can take some solace from me if you’re distressed
Just take whatever you want from me and bury the rest

I’m glad to hear you found someone better
I hope it stays exciting, shiny and new
I hope he makes you feel everything you said only I could ever do

You’d lost your faith in love and I brought it back
You felt so full of love you thought you’d have a heart attack
Unfortunately I turned out too good to be true

But if there’s ever anything I can help with
Like heavy lifting or incredible sex
Well you can always count on me because I’m the world’s greatest ex

So if there’s any of you thinking you might want me
If you’re lucky maybe you could be next
But let’s just skip the pain the heartache and forget the pretext
We’ll start right at the end and just begin being vexed
Fast forward to our breakup and I’ll be your world’s greatest ex

And it’s a “Two For Tuesday”! I also recorded Ginger’s request.